last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
