Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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