i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
