I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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