Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
