i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
