I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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