omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
