Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
