she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
