Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
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I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
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And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
This is my gift to your gina
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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