You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
