Michael Bay diarrhea
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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