i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
