I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
