Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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