Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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