I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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