I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
