my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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