fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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