I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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