There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
