well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs