you would pick up someone in the library
Ketchup is God's man juice
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
