checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
