How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
