put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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