Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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