he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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