when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
