Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
