So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
