The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
