I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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