I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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