you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize