YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
everyone is single if you try hard enough
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
