I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize