it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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