the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
