just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
MIDGETS
????
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
