So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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