She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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