I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
