I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
