Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
