you thought your balls were fighting each other...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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