Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
