I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
