My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
