ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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