This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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