not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
