it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
