i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just had sex on a roof
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
