just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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