At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
