we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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