I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
