I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
