dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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